wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

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Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.


You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.


Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood


You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.


[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?


I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.


I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole


[gets pulled over]

cop: do you know how fast you were growing?

me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing?

cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you’ve gotten so big


I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”