@TheHyyyype

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

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@nerdreign

Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.

@mydmac

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

@c12h22o11balls

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

@SnarkyMommy78

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

@TattleTSister

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

@lolumOKUR

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

@ohen39

[gets pulled over]

cop: do you know how fast you were growing?

me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing?

cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you’ve gotten so big

@Sassafrantz

I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”