@hippieswordfish Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
@TheHyyyype wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
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@hippieswordfish 
@gingerfaced [arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
@Contwixt ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
@DarkerWillow Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
@junejuly12 When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
@markleggett If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?
@BoogTweets Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
@timdonakowski Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”
Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?
@POTerritory What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
@howe007 Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe