wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain


[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire


ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?


Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.


When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.


If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?


Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?


Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”

Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?


What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?


Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe