Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.