Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
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If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
hmmm
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.