Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
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Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
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As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun