I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don’t care. She’s not my real aerobics instructor.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.
Are you raising an army for Mordor?
“Hi there. So what do you do?”
“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”
I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything