Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
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healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.