Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
You Might Also Like
Thursday Thought.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe