Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Things

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Well, this is awkward

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one