Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???