Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
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Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
You might just have to resign…
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol