Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
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Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Meow
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs