Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself