Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.