Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yep.

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-