Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

shazam but for random noises outside

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

*struts into the new year
~ trips

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

When you “pspspsp” too hard

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”