Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
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deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Tammy is short for Tamuel
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Danger is very dangerous
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!