Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
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*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard