Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.