Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

wtf is a larm clock?

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.