Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.