Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Woke up against my better judgement again
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
