Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Always
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”