Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam