wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan