wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.