Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.