Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
no one likes gloating
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
