I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
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When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
This is enough internet for the day.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.