Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

not for long

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

dogs can find happiness so easily

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

ㅤ

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”