Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

much to think about

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

I identify as an antique shop.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

#ProTip

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?