knights of the ikea table
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Communication is hard
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My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
If you think it’s hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
If Paula Deen’s new cookbook isn’t titled ‘Fifty Shades of Gravy’, I’m going to lose a considerable amount of money on the bet I just made.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[three days after inventing phone]
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs