@oakhillbargrill

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

You Might Also Like

@murrman5

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

@chemical_scum

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

@TheBoydP

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

@lizetagge

Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…

@fro_vo

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

@RxitWounds

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

@_alexwray

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

@tastefactory

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

@FABrezebabe

*does coke*
*has unprotected sex*
*smokes cigarettes*
“oh haha no I don’t drink soda because it’s bad for you”