Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

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[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what


One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.


The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.


Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…


[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara


[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle


Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression


Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??


*does coke*
*has unprotected sex*
*smokes cigarettes*
“oh haha no I don’t drink soda because it’s bad for you”