@oakhillbargrill

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

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@wesjohnson8

My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.

@NickC46

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

@mdob11

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

@bazecraze

If you think it’s hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.

@dafloydsta

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

@SuSuSuDonym

If Paula Deen’s new cookbook isn’t titled ‘Fifty Shades of Gravy’, I’m going to lose a considerable amount of money on the bet I just made.

@HenpeckedHal

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs