wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.