Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Brilliant!
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him