Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
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My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Good Morning.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy