WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
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Go gym
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*