@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

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@rancheroni

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

@difficultpatty

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

@ryaninco

You know you’ve had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.

@rockymomax

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

@Not_DeeAnn

Me: Will you miss me?

Him: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern

@JohnLyonTweets

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

@Dawn_M_

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

@ImaFlyontheWall

*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*

@EJGomez

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

@jergarl

Wife:How’d you sleep?

Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo

W:

Ambien:*giggles