WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
#SuperBowl
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
when nothing goes right… go left
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.