Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

The morning after pill, but for tweets

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.