WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
very niche meme I made
yeah not falling for this one
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Not helping
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.