Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

new career option?

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

I’d use my best pan on you.