Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.