wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.