wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.