wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
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Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?