wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
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I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
*seductively corrects your posture*
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
