wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
The Joker was right
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
