wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
