wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Am I having a stroke?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
