Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
This classic never gets old . . .
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.