Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

My flabber has been gasted.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs