Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

Do not go gentle into that good night,

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

I’m having an out of money experience.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.