Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

My funeral

My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Thoughts

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

Brands during Pride

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?