Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.