Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.