WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
There are no pants in heaven.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Welcome to your 40鈥檚: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I swear I鈥檇 chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn鈥檛 know I鈥檇 chase after it.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
This dudes dogs 馃榿battle cry
HARRY POTTER: 馃檨
DUMBLEDORE: 馃檨
VOLDEMORT: : (
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.