Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

I’m listening

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?