Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

Is this you?

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!