wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Seek kebab; not attention
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
dutch so unserious
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink