wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Meme Monday.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band