Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

why isn’t thunder called soundning

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

Helping my daughter with her 3rd grade math homework has me doubting I ever passed 3rd grade math.

We found love in a hopeless place.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.