WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
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dude it’s called proctologist
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*skinny dips into black hole
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.