Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah