Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
You Might Also Like
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.