Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
You Might Also Like
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
This classic never gets old . . .
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.