Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.