wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
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[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here