wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
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Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Employees must applaud the planets.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.